I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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