Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
