Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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