My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
