I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you traded sex for a burrito?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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