i don't like sucking hair
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
