Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
