i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
