Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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