No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
