My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I need a beard to bite.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
