Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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