maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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