I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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