apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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