just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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