he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
