Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
