you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
as a side note pls kill me
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
