Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You ruined the universe
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
