i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm always down for nudity.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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