you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
