Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
