yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
