How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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