yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
