who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
