I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
