Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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