The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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