my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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