so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
two words...techno handjob
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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