Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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