his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
