i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
