Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
