I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
