Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
