Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
They have beer where we have blood.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
