Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
