Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
