She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
