my phone needs a breathalizer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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