Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
