I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
