i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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