Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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