his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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