Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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