You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
