how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
