my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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