did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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